This time it will work.
We at J&D’s Foods are legally obligated yet still very happy to announce that we will be taking the following immediate and decisive actions to demonstrate how much we care about not getting in any more trouble than we’re already in:
- Our tagline for Bacon Salt will no longer be “Because The First Hit’s Free”
- We have officially scrapped our plans to offer Bacon Salt in a new Nasal Mist packaging. Our scientists are currently working hard on a snort-less nasal implant that we hope to have on the market in late 2017.
- We will no longer be marketing directly to children born to privileged families. Specifically:
- Our old cartoon mascot, Piggy Snort Snort, will be replaced with a very gruff, very tough looking cowboy that only snorts Bacon Salt while roping bulls or being super awesome.
- We will no longer market our line of action figures with fake $100 bills and Snorting-Fighter-Pilot-Action.
- Our line of Scratch ‘n’ Snort stickers will be discontinued immediately in the United States and Western Europe.
- On a completely unrelated note, we are excited to announce greatly expanded sticker distribution partnerships with several school systems in Third World and developing countries.
While we may have betrayed your trust in the past, this time you can really trust us. We even italicized the word really in that last sentence, which is a literary tool to show you exactly how sincere we are.
While we admit that we may have modest to very significant financial incentives to keep you addicted to snorting Bacon Salt, we also really want nothing more than to keep you alive. Comforting, isn’t it?